A Little Bit of Peace

In a little over a week we will be moving into our new home. Our apartment is beautiful and light and bright and sunny and I cannot wait to make it our own.

These past few weeks I’ve been holding on to the fact that I’ll be nesting into a new space soon. Making this new place ours. Creating a home out of nothing but walls and windows and doors. While I’m here, at our current AirBnB, it’s been lovely. I’ve thrifted most of our must-haves (i.e. plates, bowls, cups, silverware, etc) and bought a mattress, duvet, bedding, and towels. I’ve washed everything and packed it away for our soon-to-be home. But once the must-haves were had, I hit a standstill. I fell into a limbo stage of being so close to having so much to do yet so far from actually doing it. Being in the middle like this can feel overwhelming, tiring, and anti-productive. All I want is to pop into our new place and get to work decorating and filling it with second hand pieces we love. And yet, I’m forced to slow down, take a breath, and let the days come and go as they should.

I find myself often getting so worked up about all of the things I want to do and need to do, that I don’t take time to let myself breathe; to listen to the birds chirping or feeling the wind on my face. I make a list, I check things off, and then I go to bed to start it all over again. There’s a poem that I love that this reminds me of.

Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman. Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At-ease women? Women who don’t dissect their days into half hour slots of productivity? Women who prioritize rest and pleasure and play? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax? Without guilt? Without apology? Without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one.

Nicola Jane Hobbs

Every time I come across these words I try to make myself more relaxed, peaceful, sure. It makes me want to be better, louder, bigger. It makes me want to take up more space, take more time for myself, and live loudly.

When I feel that I have ten thousand things to do but too much time to do them that doing them now is too early, and my mind keeps telling me there’s things to get done when there really are not, I get anxious, overwhelmed, consumed by the guilt of not being productive. In reality, I should be savoring these moments of rest; enjoying the time I have to soak in a new place and new experiences. Life is so much better if we’d all just slow down once in a while and breathe, really breathe it all in. So, maybe I’m writing this because it’s a good topic to share with the world, or maybe I’m writing it because if I put it on paper it isn’t just something I tell myself to do, but something I’ve made a commitment to strive toward. That thing being peace, calm, joy. We all deserve it, without guilt or apology. We all deserve peace. If only we’d let ourselves have it.